Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you didnt know i had herpes?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
