gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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