I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
