So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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