Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
