So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
