Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
