My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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