You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
