I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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