i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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