Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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