my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
