I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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