by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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