nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
