why didn't you poke me back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
