This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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