Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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