Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
