Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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