i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
