even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
