Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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