Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
