hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize