I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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