i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize