Ambien. No doubt about it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
