Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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