Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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