Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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