If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
