omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the day after is always just damage control
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
