Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they need to just BURY HIM!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
