ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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