I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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