I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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