there's paper in my vomit.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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