Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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