my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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