i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
