Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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