So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
