Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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