i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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