I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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