You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
