you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
