I wish I only lived at night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
