my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
