he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
