Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
