even my farts smell like vagina
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm passing your future prison.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
