Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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