all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
