I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
