His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
