i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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