i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize