I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
