Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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