turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
