I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
