so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
