DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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